What We Want Page 9

  The meal was actually pretty good. Rob always loved pasta; you couldn’t go wrong with pasta. Zach seemed satisfied with his meal, too.

  Flirt with him.

  “Maybe I’ll let you sample my goods...” Rob said as he looked at Zach and smiled.

  Zach blushed and looked down.

  Oh, Rob, you master of seduction, shut the fuck up!

  Zach took a bite and moaned, then took a bit more with his fork and put it in front of Rob’s mouth.

  “Would you like to sample mine?”

  What?!

  He stared a second too long and Zach moved to pull his hand back.

  “I would.” Rob grabbed his hand and took a bite. He didn’t even notice the flavor of the beef. It could have been a styrofoam or slice of a spare tire. Surprise in Zach’s eyes was all he saw.

  “It is delicious.” Like you. “Try this.” He took a ravioli and scooped some chopped walnuts.

  His hand slowly inched its way toward Zach. Zach leaned forward and...

  Oh, the sight of him closing his mouth around my....

  Blink. Fork, Rob. The word you’re looking for is fork.

  Licking his lips, Zach hummed.

  “It’s amazing.”

  Not as amazing as you.

  “Yes, it is.”

  Zach leaned across the table to take a piece of bread and his knee touched Rob’s. He got back into his chair but didn’t move his knee.

  Rob sat there like a marble statue. Try to act cool. He was going to explode. This restaurant thing was all wrong. He needed to be somewhere with Zach alone. He needed to kiss him. If he didn’t do it soon, he would go mad.

  “You still with me?”

  Always.

  “Hmm?” He realized Zach had been talking for a while, but he hadn’t heard a word. He was looking at his lips and his hands, long fingers... and the images that those triggered were killing him.

  “I think I lost you there for a moment.”

  Never.

  “No, no... I’m fine. Sorry about that. My concentration tonight is... I think I’m a little overwhelmed. Sensory overload, you know?”

  “Oh, right. Well, we can leave now if you want?” Concern was written all over Zach’s face.

  He’s worried about me. Could he care enough to...

  “We don’t have to hurry on my account. If you want to, we can stay a bit longer.”

  “No, I’m done here.” He pointed at his empty plate and raised his hand to call the waiter. “I’ll pay and then we can go home.”

  Home. We can go home. You have absolutely no idea what you are doing to me.

  He looked at Zach and Zach smiled at him.

  Or do you?

  Chapter 25

  Zach parked the car in his driveway, and they got out. Rob was standing a few feet from him looking at the street like it had all the answers in life. The line between his eyebrows was deeper than usual. This whole evening had been strange. But good strange.

  Was this how a date with Rob would look like? If it ever happened.

  Rob was wonderful to him; all night he’d acted like Zach was the center of his universe. It was addictive and dangerous for Zach’s heart. Hope was not something he could afford in this case.

  Rob turned around and took a deep breath, like he’d made some big decision.

  “Come on. Let’s go to my place for a drink.” He smiled and Zach’s heart contracted. He knew he should cut it off now. Prolonging this was just going to hurt more. But he wasn’t strong enough.

  “Yeah. Let’s go.”

  The house was dark and silent. Rob turned on the lights as Zach tried to catch a glimpse of the cat.

  “He’s probably outside. He usually is if he doesn’t jump at you at the door.” Rob smiled.

  “Oh.” What was with the smile? I should just go home...

  “Do you want a beer now that we’re home, or something else?”

  Home. I wish.

  “No, I’ll have coffee, please.” Zach said coming into the kitchen.

  “Good, I’ll have one, too.”

  While he fumbled with the coffee machine, Zach watched him. He seemed nervous, but Rob often was. Even so, this time it looked different. Combined with those smiles and glances, Zach didn’t know what to think.

  Was he really trying to flirt with me?

  Zach barely contained a laugh. He was adorable. From the first moment Zach saw him, he thought Rob was the sexiest man alive. He ticked every single one of Zach’s box. It was unbelievable that he would, after so much time searching, meet the guy in his mother’s kitchen.

  Yeah, Rob is definitely the sexiest man alive, but now I know more. And yet not enough. He wanted to know all the secrets of this incredible man, all the sides of this beautiful person.

  I would spend a lifetime discovering you, and it would never be enough. I want a lifetime with you.

  He exhaled and his shoulders dropped. Rob was still occupied with coffee and he quietly went to the living room.

  He sat on the sofa and took the room in. It reflected Rob in every way. Simple and beautiful on the first glance, with hidden quirky treasures in every corner. Zach leaned back and sunk into the sofa. Tonight had been so overwhelming. He closed his eyes and his brain played ‘the life that might have been’ movie.

  Rob and him having breakfast, sharing little bites of French toast and kisses.

  Having friends and family over for a holiday dinner. Everyone talking, joking, music in the background. And then he would catch Rob’s eyes across the room. He would smile and the entire world would fade away.

  Late at night, in their bed, after making love, just seconds before sleep would take him, he would kiss Rob and tell him he loves him. Knowing that in the morning, Rob would wake him with a kiss and 'I love you'. He felt the burn behind his eyelids. His heart squeezed to the point of pain.

  I can’t start crying now.

  “Hey, sleepyhead...” Rob whispered near his ear. His eyes flew open, and he saw Rob’s face inches from his own. That beautiful face.

  “No.” Fear crept up in his voice. “I wasn’t asleep...”

  “Mhm...” Rob looked at him, clearly not believing him.

  “Seriously, I was just daydreaming. Or night dreaming.” He laughed and moved to make room for Rob. “I don’t know...”

  “About what?” Rob sighed. He could smell bubblegum and his aftershave. He was doomed.

  Rob shifted next to him. Too close.

  “What might’ve been... if some things in my life were different.” He wanted to reach for his mug, but his body didn’t want to move. This is what it wanted, this closeness and warmth. His skin burned, fingertips itched to touch and grab. To rip clothes and squeeze and bruise.

  “Like what?” Warm breath washed over his face. His skin tightened and his spine tingled.

  “It doesn’t matter.” His hands were shaking, and he couldn’t look at Rob.

  “It does.”

  “They never could be.” He looked at Rob’s eyes. Dark green around impossibly wide pupils. They were looking at him with an intensity he never saw before.

  “They could.” Rob cupped his cheek and leaned closer.

  The first touch of those plush lips scorched Zach. He inhaled a scent that was certain to forever be his favorite. His body was paralyzed, but at the same time he could feel every cell move and vibrate. Rob bit his lip and he went wild. He grabbed Rob’s shoulders and pulled him closer, kissing him like he was drowning and Rob was air he so needed.

  This is a dream. This must be a dream. Please don’t wake up. Don’t wake up.

  Rob’s tongue tangled with his and his taste buds exploded. This was everything Zach had ever wanted. This man in his arms.

  This man that never kissed another man.

  “Stop!” Zach pulled back. “Rob, stop!” he tried to untangle himself from Rob’s arms. His dream turned to nightmare in a second. Is he playing with me? He couldn't be that cruel. He felt dizzy, and he feared his knees c
ouldn't hold him if he got up.

  “What?!” Rob’s lips were red and wet; he licked them and closed his eyes again. “Oh, God...”

  “What... what is this, Rob? Do you...what were you thinking?!” Zach pushed his fingers through his hair and exhaled. His heart was ripping in two. He was losing everything. He was losing his mind. “Rob? Please...” he pleaded, his lips trembling.

  Moan.

  His eyes darted just in time to catch Rob’s head falling in his lap.

  “Zach, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I had hoped you want this. That you wanted me. Forgive me, please.”

  “What? Rob? I don’t understand.” He couldn't breathe, he couldn't think. Adrenalin was pumping through him, confusion tearing him apart.

  “I didn’t mean to attack you, molest you.”

  “Molest me? What are you talking about?”

  “Ugh...”

  “Look at me.” He tried to pull Rob’s head up, but it didn’t budge. “Rob, look at me. Now.”

  Rob sighed and his breath tickled Zach through his jeans. Slowly, he lifted his head and slumped next to Zach. But his eyes were still closed.

  He cupped Rob’s cheek.

  “Honey, please, look at me.” Green eyes flew open. Fear like nothing Zach ever saw reflected in that gaze.

  “I’m... you...” Confusion flashed in Rob’s eyes. “H-honey?” Then there was hope.

  Oh, shit. Zach pulled back his hand.

  “What were you doing?” he repeated. He would not be played with ever again.

  “I don’t know. It’s been a while for me. I thought you—” Rob sighed and shook his head. “No, I hoped you wanted this.” He waved his hands to encompass them both. “I suppose I was wrong.”

  “But you’re straight!” Zach yelled.

  “I think not quite.”

  “Not quite?!”

  “It’s complicated.”

  “Complicated?!”

  “Please, Zach. Please don’t hate me...”

  Zach got up and started pacing. His mind was everywhere. Not quite straight? What was this shit?

  “I’m trying, Rob. I’m trying so hard.” He couldn’t calm down. His blood was boiling and pounding in his ears. He could never be someone's toy again. “I’m trying to understand why you would play with me. Why?”

  “Play with you? Play with you?!” Rob stood shaking.

  “What did you think?” Zach was on a roll, rage taking over. “Oh, I never kissed a dude, and here is one available. I’ll just give it a go!”

  “No!” Rob lunged at him.

  “What then?! What?” What the fuck do you want?

  “I—”

  “I’m not a fucking toy. I will not let you play with me and then kick me to the curb.”

  “Zach—”

  “I have feelings, you know? I’m not here for you to sample—”

  “Stop.” Rob took his face and looked him in the eyes. “Stop. And listen to me.”

  “What?”

  “I don’t know why I feel this way. I don’t care.” He ghosted his fingers over Zach’s face. “I do know that I want you. I want you like I’ve never wanted anyone in my life. Anyone.”

  Air whooshed out of Zach’s lungs. He could feel parts of his broken heart clicking back into place and he couldn’t breathe.

  “I want to kiss you. God, how I want to kiss you...” His gaze was on Zach’s lips, then back on his eyes. “I want to kiss you, I want to feel you in my arms, I want...” His shoulders dropped. “I want it all. With you.”

  “Oh, God...”

  “But I obviously made a mistake. I understand that you don’t want me. It’s fine.” He pulled his hands off of Zach.

  Don’t want you? Are you fucking insane?

  He couldn't allow Rob to pull back. If all this was true, if this wasn't a dream... Zach grabbed his shoulders.

  “Oh, you made a mistake.” He pulled Rob closer. “Thinking I don’t want you.”

  He slammed his lips onto Rob’s. That taste was addictive. Those lips were made for him. He couldn’t get close enough. Hands were everywhere, sighs and moans echoed through the room.

  Rob pulled him towards the hallway.

  “Rob, please tell me you mean it. Tell me you’re sure,” Zach begged him. Fear that this was just his imagination was paralyzing.

  Rob smiled.

  “I’ve never been this sure in my life.” And then he pulled his hand.

  Chapter 26

  Finally. Finally. Oh, God, this is really happening.

  Rob’s skin was sizzling. He would combust. His bones would melt and there would be nothing left of him. He was sure of it.

  Zach pushed him into the bedroom and slammed him against the wall. He kissed him hard. Then glided his lips down Rob’s cheek. Soft lips touched skin under his ear and warm breath washed over his neck. Zach was moaning, and it was driving him crazy. He wanted more. He didn’t know what, only more.

  “More, Zach, I need more...”

  “Yes.” Zach grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled it over his head. He moved his hand over Rob’s shoulders and pecs. Then he looked Rob in the eyes.

  Rob choked. Zach’s eyes were like liquid silver. No one ever looked at him this way. Hungry. Zach was going to devour him. And he couldn’t wait.

  He pulled Zach’s shirt off and moved his hands over his skin. Man’s skin. Hard muscles. He traced his fingers down Zach’s abs, feeling the muscles contracting. He popped the first button of Zach’s jeans and Zach grabbed his hand.

  “Last chance to back off,” he warned him.

  “No backing off.”

  Zach pulled him from the wall and pushed him onto the bed. Rob fell and watched as Zach unbuttoned his jeans and pulled them off along with his briefs. He bent over Rob and kissed him while he unbuttoned and pulled his pants off too. He stood there watching him without blinking.

  “Changed your mind? Now that you see an old man.” Rob's perception of his own body was distorted, it always has been. Now, with a man 15 years his junior, he felt ancient. He knew exactly what Zach was seeing, but fear of rejection was warping every fact known to his brain. Could he want me anyway?

  “Shut up.” He crawled on top of Rob.

  A hard and heavy body pressed him into the mattress. He felt smooth skin and hair. Hands were everywhere at once, legs intertwined, his body connected with another man in ways he never thought possible.

  Then he felt it for the first time. Steel hardness behind the velvety soft skin. Zach kissed him like there’s no tomorrow. His brain shut down while his nerve endings caught on fire. His whole world shrunk to the space between their bodies.

  Why didn’t I know this? How could I not know?

  Every cell in his body melted, his skin tried to fuse with Zach’s so he would never have to let him go. They moved together, and it was like his body always knew. Knew that this was it.

  Pure electricity shot through his body, his spine arched, and his heart cracked. He flew apart.

  It was like nothing he ever felt. It was everything he now wanted.

  Zach bit his shoulder and shook, right before liquid fire spilled over his abs.

  Rob felt warm and moist breath over his neck.

  “I knew,” Zach whispered.

  “Knew what?” He tried to come back to Earth.

  “I knew this would break me.” Zach still didn’t move, and Rob was more than happy to let him lie on top of him all night.

  “I don’t understand.”

  “You will break me.” Zach lifted his head and Rob saw infinite sorrow in his eyes.

  “Never. I will never ever hurt you.” He hoped his voice sounded conviction he felt.

  “You can’t possibly know that.”

  “I know damn well that I’ll try.”

  Zach rolled off of him, and Rob felt the enormity of that loss.

  “Stay. Please.” Screaming Zach’s name had left his voice in shards and gravel.

  “Are you sure? Absolutely sure?” Z
ach whispered.

  Rob got up and went into the bathroom. He wiped himself clean and brought a warm washcloth for Zach. He got under the covers and lifted the other end of the comforter for Zach.

  “Absolutely.”

  Zach’s whole body relaxed in relief as he laid next to Rob. They lay on their backs staring at the ceiling. Rob felt light caressing touch on his hand, and he turned to Zach.

  “Can I kiss you, please?”

  “I thought you’d never ask...” Zach sighed and pressed his lips to Rob’s. He felt the smile in their kiss, and it was like his first kiss all over again.

  “I didn’t know what to do.” Zach looked him in the eyes.

  “That should be my line, you know?”

  “You were amazing.” Rob snorted. “Seriously, Rob. You are—”

  Rob cut him off with another kiss. He pulled him into his arms and closed his eyes. When he inhaled Zach’s scent and felt warm skin and his heartbeat, the final piece of his shattered life clicked into place.

  “Good night,” Zach whispered, kissing the side of his neck.

  “Good night, baby.”

  Zach flinched lightly and then relaxed completely.

  He squeezed Zach’s shoulders, hoping that this was not a dream. No, he’s really here, warm and soft, fitting like a lost piece of a puzzle. Sleep was pulling him under. But now he could surrender.

  He had everything he wanted in his arms.

  Mine.

  Chapter 27

  The scent of the man he adored was the first thing that pushed through to Zach’s consciousness. Next came the warmth radiating through the sheets. He smiled and blinked the sleep away. Grinning eyes were watching him.

  “Morning,” Rob said.

  “Morning.” What will happen now? Is Rob gonna freak out? Am I gonna freak out?

  “Slept well?”

  “Yeah...”

  Rob leaned forward and kissed him softly.

  Oh! So, no freaking out. That’s nice.

  “Have you been up for long?” Zach asked.

  “A while... I enjoyed watching you sleep.” His eyes went wide. “I’m sorry. I’m not usually that creepy.”

  Zach laughed.

  “I know what you mean.” He kissed Rob and scooted closer.